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[31 Mar 2009|02:05am] |
I think last week was the worst of my life. I am sincerely sorry for the pain that I've caused the both of you. It seems every move I make hurts someone.
I've learned two things from this. First of all, it's that this livejournal needs to go away. I should have known better than to let anyone know it was here. Secondly, I clearly have a lot of rethinking to do about myself and my life.
I wouldn't expect another post.
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[09 Mar 2009|07:26pm] |
im on vacation. trying to clear my head. i was going to say it didnt need it.... but.... it did. still does.
I'm going to go back to that. time to make a sandwich.
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[04 Mar 2009|10:42pm] |
I feel better every day.
Today is the best day I've had in a long time. I am very hopeful. I felt really good today.
I am doing very well this semester and time is flying. Internships scare the holy shit out of me, but I gotta keep moving forward with it. I kinda don't want school to end. I enjoy this. Maybe I shouldnt be afraid of an internship if I like school this well.
I'm also being really productive lately. I like it. I think I'll keep doing it.
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[25 Feb 2009|02:31am] |
In a strange way, this makes everything easier. When Marissa and I broke up, I was led to believe that it was because we were having problems, and couldn't work them out. And that is true, but no problems are ever going to be worked out when the other person has one foot out the door. I definitely noticed a change from when she began as ASU, now that I look back.
She probably thinks that I don't know what I am talking about. I have seen this, though. It's not too hard to see what comes next.
I am infinitely disappointed that she lied to me. It was as much about her want to date other people as it was about us not getting along, and it is clear. That was bad enough, but she half expects me to welcome her back when she is done screwing around. This expectation, and many of her actions seem so far out of the realm of what she would normally do. Either she has reached the point of self-destructive nature, or she has become a completely different person. I think that what hurts most is the blatant disregard for my well being after the way I was to her. I was so good to her through all the hardest moments; we both know that she couldn't have hoped to be treated better. This is how she is to me now?
Maybe all of the guys she meets she will remind her I was better, or maybe she will date one, but after, she will be back. I don't know whether she considers how possessive I am. The truth is, I don't know what will happen if she ever wants to come back. She wasted no time in removing most signs of me in her life, she treated me horribly for most of the last year, and she lied to me. There are so many things thrown into question now, especially trust.
She said she wanted to be friends, preserve the option to get back together someday. Either it's a lie, or she never stepped back and looked at her actions. It seems she is taking every action to hurt and drive me away, and every single action to make a relationship impossible.
The thought of someone else touching her is unbearable. That may be what bothers me most. With this out, maybe I can sleep.
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